After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
