I heard we made out
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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