I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
someone owes me an orgasm
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
