My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
