I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
