once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
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