you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Sorry my hands just texted you
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
