the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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