there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
