Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
