Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
