Sponge bath it is.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
