My hand turned me down
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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