Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
