I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
