whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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