So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
