Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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