Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
