Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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