Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
