I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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