how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
