The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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