saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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