So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
