omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
