i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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