Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
