just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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