My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
