she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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