He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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