i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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