Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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