Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
