I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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