If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
