When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
