This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
