and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
They took my balls.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
