I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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