i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
