Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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