chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
