How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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