kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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