Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
