What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
