i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
