Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
